Recent Episodes

• 18 February 2021Episodes

  37. Wrinkle In The Plan

  We've all seen The Mighty Ducks or that film with the bobsleighs or that one with all the karate kicking...

  You know how it goes. Just as it looks like you'll never be able to bobsleigh really well, or do the best karate kick at the karate kick competition, a montage sequence begins to play. Eye of Tiger is turned up to 10 and then, without warning, your team of ducks perform the best karate kick the world has ever seen!

  As your team of super ducks triumphantly raise you into the air, you excitedly await the certain adulation of your Emperor and King...

  The Emperor's gone home. The King is busy checking his Insta.

  Why does no one care?

  Time to find out.

• 11 February 2021Episodes

  36. Grapes of Wrath

  You know the feeling - you've got half a dozen flat screen TVs strapped to your horse, a sack of bargain quinoa on your back, and a massive smile on your face - you absolutely smashed Black Friday and now you're on your way home for a relaxing beef tea.

  That's when you stop. Your eyes go wide. Darren lets out an uneasy snort.

  As 12 TVs fall to the floor, and quinoa fills the street you realise you've made a huge mistake: you've completely forgotten to buy grapes, and it could mean the end of everything.

  You turn around, in the distance are the burning shops and discount-crazed mob you thought you had escaped. Sword in hand, you go back.

• 4 February 2021Episodes

  35. Stuck On The Ham Highway

  Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy.

  Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves.

  The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins. You try to escape but you're stuck!

  That's when the first cannon ball flies past your head...

  Is this Black Friday or are you at war in the 19th century? Sometimes it can be hard to tell.

• 28 January 2021Episodes

  34. Pies Wide Shut

  Waging a successful military campaign isn't just about shiny buttons, impressive marching formations, and ensuring your troops are incredibly rested and relaxed.

  Sometimes you need an extra special something to turn your fighting boys into fighting men... sometimes you need Pies. Yes, pies.

  Join us this week as we discover how the humble baked treat could be Russia's secret weapon in the fight against the powerful, but pie-less, Napoleon.

• 21 January 2021Episodes

  33. The Fable of Fish Fwend

  They speak of a man with fish for hands,

  a man who's addicted to crime .

  Your treasures are safe?

  Oh yes! In the safest place!

  Well for now then I guess you are fine...

  OR ARE YOU?!

• 14 January 2021Episodes

  32. It’s All Gone Hobbledehoy!

  The Russian army sure know how to throw a parade - but was spending all that time changing coats and polishing penknives really the brilliant strategic manoeuvre it first seemed?

  Join us this week as we turn on the slow motion camera to watch the hobbledehoy slowly move toward the fan, then actually hit the fan, then spread horrible, sticky hobbledehoy absolutely everywhere.

  What happens next could be horribledehoy, it could be happydehoy, but one thing's for certain - it's all gone hobbledehoy!

• 7 January 2021Episodes

  31. Bad Bad Booties

  Like your favourite boomerang we are back!

  Dust off your WAP-WAPPY-WAP Quote Book, plump up your favourite War and Peace themed pillow, pop on your velvet listening cape and get ready for Book 2 of the greatest novel of all time!

  We've had enough parties to make even Miley Cyrus throw in the towel.

  It's time for War...

  Well, perhaps not quite yet, but we are with some soldiers and they have some really bad booties.

• 24 December 2020Episodes

  30. Christmas Special: The Young Tsar

  Vigorously boil your eggnog, put a mince pie in EACH hand, and get ready to experience yet another literary classic from Leo Tolstoy.

  This week we're digging deep into the Leo library to bring you one of the lesser-known Tolstoy classics - his Christmas fable 'The Young Tsar'.

  A young man has just ascended to the throne, he's making laws left right and centre, but why is everyone so drunk, and are all these floggings really in the spirit of Christmas?

  Join us as we give our moral compasses a good Christmas centring. Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, if you're going to survive 2021, you need to hear this.

  Show notes

  We'll be back with Book 2 of War and Peace on January 7th.
  
  Thank you for listening, sharing and contributing to the show this season - we've loved every minute of it, and we've loved hearing from everyone that's written and sent stuff in. If you haven't said hello yet - it's not too late, we'd love to hear from you - send us an email or follow us on Instagram.
  
  Have a great break, and we'll see you next year!

• 17 December 2020Episodes

  29. Book 1 Catch-Up Quiz

  You've finished book 1 of War and Peace! Cue rapturous applause. Congratulations! Congratulations! You are amazing! Now what on earth happened?

  If you’ve been with us every step of the way on this monumental journey, or you’re simply a War and Peace hitchhiker wanting a quick refresh of Book 1 so you can launch yourself headfirst into Book 2, well grab a pen and some biscuits. It’s quiz time!

  We’ve got questions about war, peace, kissing, Smurfs, bears, spiders and of course Uncles! How many points can you get? There’s only one way to find out...

  Cue Game Show Music!

  Let us know how you do!

  0-5 = A real madame de genlis
  6-15 = Napoleon's Powder Monkey
  16 - 29 = You are so diplomat!
  30+ = Daniel Cooper himself

  Show notes

  Be sure to join us next week for another special episode. We'll be back with Book 2 on the 7th of January.

  And as mentioned, here is the sensational global hit "The Smurf Song" by Father Abraham, it's not to be missed:

  
  Additional SFX in this episode from zapsplat.com

• 10 December 2020Episodes

  28. Andy Pandy’s Bye Bye – Book 1 Finale!

  Peel back that pre-diced pineapple pot, fill your vape with turkish vape juice, and pop the McTurtle™ burgers in the microwave, because it's time to celebrate!

  Join us this week as we reach an incredible milestone - the end of War and Peace, Book 1. It's an emotional moment for us, and an emotional final chapter - Andy Pandy is off to war, but how will he concentrate with his pregnant wife at home slowly shrinking?

  The future is unclear, but one thing is certain: even if it takes 7 years, we're doing this together.

  Show notes

  What better way to end this season than with Ace Doing Art's truly haunting depiction of Vera. We don't know if Vera's mouth really is full of spiders (why won't Tolstoy tell us?!?), but if it is then this is surely what it would look like.
  
  Thank you Ace Doing Art for this excellent drawing, and a massive thank you again to everyone else who has sent in their creations this season. Take a look at all of them in Tolstoy's Hall of Fame or send in your own by email or Instagram.