Month: February 2021
38. We’re Totally Macked!
Andy Pandy, aged 20¼
Tuesday 19th November, 1805
Bilibin's house, Brunn, Austria
I'M SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY SLEEP! Tomorrow I'm going to see the Emperor (finally!) and I'm going to tell him all about my amazing victory! I've brushed my whole uniform so I'll look 'totally on fleek as heck' (that's one of my fresh new epigrams I'm trying to coin haha).
Bilibin is a really cool guy actually, he's the head of a gang here 'Les Nótres' - they sound a bit scary. They're having a gang brunch tomorrow, so hopefully I can impress them with the cool sayings I've been working on.
I WANT TO BE FAMOUS! Why don't people see that I'm really, really good at being in the army and doing war stuff. One day I'll be the most famous war hero in the whole world, then they'll see!
Night night, diary xx
37. Wrinkle In The Plan
We've all seen The Mighty Ducks or that film with the bobsleighs or that one with all the karate kicking...
You know how it goes. Just as it looks like you'll never be able to bobsleigh really well, or do the best karate kick at the karate kick competition, a montage sequence begins to play. Eye of Tiger is turned up to 10 and then, without warning, your team of ducks perform the best karate kick the world has ever seen!
As your team of super ducks triumphantly raise you into the air, you excitedly await the certain adulation of your Emperor and King...
The Emperor's gone home. The King is busy checking his Insta.
Why does no one care?
Time to find out.
36. Grapes of Wrath
You know the feeling - you've got half a dozen flat screen TVs strapped to your horse, a sack of bargain quinoa on your back, and a massive smile on your face - you absolutely smashed Black Friday and now you're on your way home for a relaxing beef tea.
That's when you stop. Your eyes go wide. Darren lets out an uneasy snort.
As 12 TVs fall to the floor, and quinoa fills the street you realise you've made a huge mistake: you've completely forgotten to buy grapes, and it could mean the end of everything.
You turn around, in the distance are the burning shops and discount-crazed mob you thought you had escaped. Sword in hand, you go back.
35. Stuck On The Ham Highway
Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy.
Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves.
The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins. You try to escape but you're stuck!
That's when the first cannon ball flies past your head...
Is this Black Friday or are you at war in the 19th century? Sometimes it can be hard to tell.