Month: June 2021

  • 53. Boris Wonka and The Chocolate Barracks

    Oompa loompa doompety doo
    We've got a perfect chapter for you
    Oompa loompa doompety doris
    This one is sort of all about Boris

    What do you get when you want a sweet job?
    Stories of Emperor's dropping their stuff
    Who is the short man shifty as hell?
    Standing and staring, run but don't yell!

    We don't like the look of it

  • 52. Inside The Letterbox

    These days we think nothing of receiving a sick gif from great grandma Bing, or a wicked TikTok from second uncle Pepe. There's no limit to the number of dope memes pinging live into our notification zones, hot and fresh from friends far and wide.

    Back in 1805 though, Tikhon was the closest you came to TikTok, and if you wanted to see Count Rostov doing that funny dance, you had to knock on his door.

    But that doesn't mean they had no excitement whatsoever, far from it. Join us this week as we pack ourselves into an envelope, pop on a stamp, and jump head first into the famous Russian mail system in search of high entertainment.

    We'll be spanning the length and breadth of Europe delivering crucial information, scintillating gossip, and a double dollop of cold hard cash.

    You can tweet-bomb that Office meme later - for now, listen to this episode.

  • 51. The Mary Marry Mystery Moment.

    Might Mary maybe marry?

    And Anatole... an angel awaits?

    Naysayer Nasty Nick needs "NO!"

    Tikhon turnip turtle train...

    OK, enough of the amazing alliteration. There's mystery aplenty in this week's episode: someone has a tail, there's irrefutable proof of a superpower and Mary's fate is finally fettled, sorry, settled!

    Mary, is it a 'YES!' or a 'NO!"

    You won't believe the answer.

  • 50. Treachery At The Clavichord

    Dearest Listener,

    You are cordially invited to the 1805 FATHER OF THE YEAR awards, recognising some of the most incredible, selfless and thoughtful fathering from the past twelve months. 

    Taking place at the famous Sad Mansion, this year's gala will be an unforgettable event - with catering from the renowned McTurtle Food Corp™, music from the triple platinum Gravy Boaters, plus of course the incredibly moving stories from our Father Of The Year Nominees:

    • Prince Vasíli Kurágin - Proud father to three lovely children, Vasíli has spent the year bravely marrying them off for huge amounts of money. His hobbies include riding Disney Land's Dingo Mountain and money. 
    • Prince Nicholas Andreevich 'Nasty Nick' Bolkónski - A decorated army general, bespoke snuff box maker, author, scholar and mathematician, Nick really is the model father to his two wonderful children. Hobbies include powdering wigs and expressing himself with his nose.
    • Tikhon - The world famous circus performer turned PA, he is the bookies' favourite despite not having any children.

    Whoever wins it promises to be an absolutely unmissable event, so you really should not miss it. 

    With anticipation,
    Will & Steve