Legend tells of a powerful and mysterious woman, raised by wild pigs in the Siberian mountains, she has learnt that ice and fire are the inseparable sisters of survival.
The story foretells that she will appear only in the most unusual of circumstances - it must be a glorious name day, there must be an organised dining event the like of which Russia has never seen, and there must be the powerful stench of shame.
It is said she will come and feed on the shame, turning its cold ice into the warm glow of humiliation with just the flick of her forked tongue.
Join us this week, if you dare.
This week we meet the sauciest man in War and Peace, and boy does he like sauce. We're talking béarnaise, we're talking béchamel, we're talking classic gravy - this man has tried them all and has found a place for most of them on his clothes.
Plus we're spending some quality time with WAP's two old and dearest friends. But will their insatiable lust for money bring these best buds closer together, or push them apart - like two halves of a wallet stuffed full of CASH?
Tune in this week to see how this tenuous simile plays out.
If you thought you could kidnap a policeman, tie him to a stolen bear, then push them both in the canal and wonder off without any consequences, think again!
Join us this week as Pierre's dark, bear filled past rears its furry head to cause moderate to severe embarrassment. Can Pierre take the heat, or will his social standing be torn to shreds by the vicious claws of gossip?
Plus - CUE FUNKY CRIME MUSIC - we're casing the joint with two of War and Peace's wiliest slicksters - they're buttering up with one hand, and looking for Cecil's mountain of cash with the other. Will they pull off the con of the century or will they end up in the clink? CUE MONTAGE.
What the hand?! Another hand drawing! Yes! More hands! Han-believable! Lucia (pronounced the Italian way) from the USA sends in this formidable artistic rendering of Pierre's infamous arm-ending appendages. Thank you Lucia! Find out more about this inspiring piece by subscribing to the newsletter and visiting Tolstoy's Hall of Fame.
There's an uncle in the bedroom
A bedroom made of gold
An uncle the most handsome
In all Russia, it's been told
"We'd like to see the uncle please
Before he goes and dies
We've heard he's freakin loaded
And we were passing by"
There's an uncle in the bedroom
In this week's episode
Listen now, and have no fear
The actual show's in prose
This week the generations are at war.
On one side, the mysterious Vera. Handsome as they come, her mouth quite possibly brimming with spiders - and now, terrifying new rumours that she wields dark and unnatural powers.
On the other side, four hopeful children. Innocent as tiny little ducklings, their only weapons are the power of love and some really quite cutting insults they have just invented.
But will their incantations be enough to overpower the ice hearted Vera? Or will the good house Rostóv be consumed with pure spidery evil?
The storm clouds are clearing and the romance rainbow is in the air - get your ❤️ emoji ready because this week WAP is crushin' hard.
We're playing hard to get, we're mixing our messages and we're literally playing hide and seek. Get ready to get smitten, because this week it's a heartstring symphony, and you're all invited.
Sure it's great that all these old people are having a nice time, but what are the YOUNG people up to? And who the heck do they fancy? Tell me now!
This week we're slip n' sliding our way through the intricate social web of Moscow's youth scene to answer these critical questions. Join us as we jump on the seesaw of uncertainty, clamber high on the jungle gym of jealousy and go feet first down the slide of emotional instability.
The stakes are high and the eyes have never been deweyer, don't miss this week's episode.
It's been an e-mail bonanza this week. Hugh from the UK sent in a sensational drawing of Pierre's hands. I'm sure you'll agree it really captures Pierre's deepest motivations, inner ambitions as well as his big red hands - a true work of art.
Hugh's drawing rightly takes its place as the first piece on the walls of Tolstoy's Hall of Fame - thank you Hugh.
Join us this week as we meet one of the lesser-known characters of War and Peace - Mimi the Psychic Doll.
Is she the true power behind the Rostóv's incredible wealth? Who is the small boy she controls and what does he want? And how will the family finally escape her supernatural grasp?
Plus it's cause for celebration as we enjoy our first ever name day, and we go deep inside the snuff tin to find out more about the mysterious nasal spice.
We've met a fair few wealthy people, even some really quite rich people and now it's time to meet the most fabulously loaded family Russia has ever produced. We're talking the Ferrero Rocher of human beings - yeah, they're that rich.
They've got footmen coming out the wazoo, enough snuff to kill a massive elephant and the sharpest small talk in all of Moscow.
Move over Dale Carnegie, if you really want to know How to Win Friends and Influence People, listen to this episode.
Sure, the party's over, but that doesn't mean there isn't time for ANOTHER PARTY. Put the vol-au-vents in the bin - it turns out getting absolutely wasted was the idea all along.
What you'll need: 1 litre of rum per person, carpentry tools, a friendly but irresponsible zoo keeper, and of course a couple of packs of cards. Oh, and don't forget your collar and chain.
The party rule book is quite literally out of the window. Trust us, you've never seen anything like this.