Episodes

  • 26. Nasty Nick

    If you're familiar with British TV from the early 2000s, no doubt at this moment you have a shiver descending down your spine.

    As adrenaline floods your body and a scream emerges from your mouth, you'll be remembering Nasty Nick - the Big Brother contestant who was so, so very nasty that they added the word 'Nasty' to his name to show how nasty he was.

    "There's never been a nastier man" the world said - or has there?

    Join us this week as we discover more about the OG 'Nasty Nick' - Prince Nicholas Andreyevich Bolkonski. He's got impeccable time keeping, rigorous standards and an extremely powdery wig. All undeniably flattering features, so what makes this man so very, very nasty?

  • 25. Letter of Fortune

    What's the best letter you've ever read? Well, multiply that by a relatively large number because this letter is a serious letter and boy does it pack one hell of a punch!

    But wait! Before you can read that special letter you'll need to dust off your calculator and geometry textbook... it's time for a maths lesson, from the world's busiest man.

    Don't be late.

  • 24. Con-pleted

    We've been in the bedroom, and boy what a bedroom that bedroom was.

    Join us this week as we stand outside the bedroom once again, looking back at that closed door, remembering the endless columns and beguiling carpet.

    But as the memory of that extraordinary room teases our senses, we remember something else. Something stranger. Something unsettling.

    What exactly were Vassily and Katishe doing as they stumbled across that carpet to the Count's bed? Was there something in their hands as they flashed through the columns to the door? And when they returned - was that paper in their teeth?

    A shiver runs down your spine, something strange is going on, something even stranger than the strange lady, and she really is quite strange.

  • 23. It Really Is Unction Time!

    Remember that letter? Whomever possess it will be rewarded more serfs and rubbles than is even possible to calculate. Trust us, we tried and the numbers got so high we just sort of stopped.

    Well, it's back and someone wants it. Surely no one would have the gaul to pull off the letter heist of the century during your first ever Unction?!

    Dust off your Persian wall rugs, pour yourself a cup of steaming beef tea and get ready. It really is Unction time. We promise.

  • 22. It’s Unction Time!

    Put on your finest Unction hat, Unction gloves and little Unction shoes and get ready to administer... Unction! It's time.  Sit back and relax as the Uncle in the bedroom prepares himself for the best damn Unction-ing you've ever seen. If only we were allowed in...

    Who gets the inheritance? What’s an Unction? Who’s taller (in hams of course), Tom Cruise or Danny DeVito? Find out the answer to ONE of these questions in this week's episode. 

  • 21. Letter in the bedroom

    There's an uncle in the bedroom, we all know that, but what the hell has he been doing in there?

    What we do know: he's really, really rich and he's really, really ill - and as if that wasn't enough, he has at least one bedroom.

    This week, we're not going in the bedroom (why would we!), but boy are we finding out more about the man with the bedroom, the things he has in his bedroom, and what he's been doing in his bedroom.

    Don't miss this week's episode as the curious saga of the bedroom man continues.

  • 20. That Was A Daniel Cooper!

    Put down your personal pineapple, pocket your pipe and rip your velcro trousers right off, because this week Daniel Cooper is in the room and he insists - WE. MUST. DANCE.

    Join us as we spin, twist and thrust our way into War and Peace party legend - we've done the small talk, we've swapped the gossip, and now it's time to let our hips do the talking.

    Listen this week as we witness the birth of disco, we're partying 70s style - 1870s that is.

  • 19. Napoleon vs. The World

    Between the endless servings of turtle burgers, whole pineapples and free refill wine you could be forgiven for thinking that everything in the world was amazing and perfect.

    Perhaps after dinner we will dance? Perhaps tomorrow there will be another party? Perhaps it will be this way forever? Perhaps.

    But behind the totally sweet riffs of the Gravy Boaters, a new tune is starting to play. Under the wicked great banjo solo is the clink of bayonets, through the vibrant buzz of the kazoo is the hiss of the cannon's fuse, and melding with the sick licks of the didgeridoo is the distant drone of death.

    With every chunk you tear from your personal pineapple, the sound gets louder - dinner's nearly over, and war is for dessert.

    Show notes

    A sensational drawing of Count Rostov, covered in sauceWow. Just wow. We've died and gone to WAP heaven. Suriah from the US sends in this phenomenally sensational drawing of Count Rostov - round, proud and dripping with sauce, it's the perfect rendition of the perfect man. Thank you Suriah, this is quite possibly the best thing ever made.

    Take a look at Suriah's drawing in FULL HD, and see the other brilliant things people have sent in, over at Tolstoy's Hall of Fame.

  • 18. Enter The Dragon

    Legend tells of a powerful and mysterious woman, raised by wild pigs in the Siberian mountains, she has learnt that ice and fire are the inseparable sisters of survival.

    The story foretells that she will appear only in the most unusual of circumstances - it must be a glorious name day, there must be an organised dining event the like of which Russia has never seen, and there must be the powerful stench of shame.

    It is said she will come and feed on the shame, turning its cold ice into the warm glow of humiliation with just the flick of her forked tongue.

    Join us this week, if you dare.

  • 17. Cash In The Hanky

    This week we meet the sauciest man in War and Peace, and boy does he like sauce. We're talking béarnaise, we're talking béchamel, we're talking classic gravy - this man has tried them all and has found a place for most of them on his clothes.

    Plus we're spending some quality time with WAP's two old and dearest friends. But will their insatiable lust for money bring these best buds closer together, or push them apart - like two halves of a wallet stuffed full of CASH?

    Tune in this week to see how this tenuous simile plays out.

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