You know the saying, "War and Peace go together like birds of a feather".
Birds have lots of feathers, you see, and a bird would not actually be legally called a bird if it had no feathers... Which is a lot like war and peace when you think about it. I mean, when you really think about it.
Can you ever truly have peace without having some war? Does war inevitably always lead to peace? Is there a bird that exists in the wild without feathers, and if so, will it declare an unstoppable war?!
We, like the Russian Generals, have absolutely no idea.
*No birds were harmed (or even mentioned) in this episode.
Andy Pandy, aged 20¼
Tuesday 19th November, 1805
Bilibin's house, Brunn, Austria
I'M SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY SLEEP! Tomorrow I'm going to see the Emperor (finally!) and I'm going to tell him all about my amazing victory! I've brushed my whole uniform so I'll look 'totally on fleek as heck' (that's one of my fresh new epigrams I'm trying to coin haha).
Bilibin is a really cool guy actually, he's the head of a gang here 'Les Nótres' - they sound a bit scary. They're having a gang brunch tomorrow, so hopefully I can impress them with the cool sayings I've been working on.
I WANT TO BE FAMOUS! Why don't people see that I'm really, really good at being in the army and doing war stuff. One day I'll be the most famous war hero in the whole world, then they'll see!
Night night, diary xx
We've all seen The Mighty Ducks or that film with the bobsleighs or that one with all the karate kicking...
You know how it goes. Just as it looks like you'll never be able to bobsleigh really well, or do the best karate kick at the karate kick competition, a montage sequence begins to play. Eye of Tiger is turned up to 10 and then, without warning, your team of ducks perform the best karate kick the world has ever seen!
As your team of super ducks triumphantly raise you into the air, you excitedly await the certain adulation of your Emperor and King...
The Emperor's gone home. The King is busy checking his Insta.
Why does no one care?
Time to find out.
You know the feeling - you've got half a dozen flat screen TVs strapped to your horse, a sack of bargain quinoa on your back, and a massive smile on your face - you absolutely smashed Black Friday and now you're on your way home for a relaxing beef tea.
That's when you stop. Your eyes go wide. Darren lets out an uneasy snort.
As 12 TVs fall to the floor, and quinoa fills the street you realise you've made a huge mistake: you've completely forgotten to buy grapes, and it could mean the end of everything.
You turn around, in the distance are the burning shops and discount-crazed mob you thought you had escaped. Sword in hand, you go back.
Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy.
Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves.
The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins. You try to escape but you're stuck!
That's when the first cannon ball flies past your head...
Is this Black Friday or are you at war in the 19th century? Sometimes it can be hard to tell.
Waging a successful military campaign isn't just about shiny buttons, impressive marching formations, and ensuring your troops are incredibly rested and relaxed.
Sometimes you need an extra special something to turn your fighting boys into fighting men... sometimes you need Pies. Yes, pies.
Join us this week as we discover how the humble baked treat could be Russia's secret weapon in the fight against the powerful, but pie-less, Napoleon.
They speak of a man with fish for hands,
a man who's addicted to crime .
Your treasures are safe?
Oh yes! In the safest place!
Well for now then I guess you are fine...
OR ARE YOU?!
The Russian army sure know how to throw a parade - but was spending all that time changing coats and polishing penknives really the brilliant strategic manoeuvre it first seemed?
Join us this week as we turn on the slow motion camera to watch the hobbledehoy slowly move toward the fan, then actually hit the fan, then spread horrible, sticky hobbledehoy absolutely everywhere.
What happens next could be horribledehoy, it could be happydehoy, but one thing's for certain - it's all gone hobbledehoy!
Like your favourite boomerang we are back!
Dust off your WAP-WAPPY-WAP Quote Book, plump up your favourite War and Peace themed pillow, pop on your velvet listening cape and get ready for Book 2 of the greatest novel of all time!
We've had enough parties to make even Miley Cyrus throw in the towel.
It's time for War...
Well, perhaps not quite yet, but we are with some soldiers and they have some really bad booties.
Vigorously boil your eggnog, put a mince pie in EACH hand, and get ready to experience yet another literary classic from Leo Tolstoy.
This week we're digging deep into the Leo library to bring you one of the lesser-known Tolstoy classics - his Christmas fable 'The Young Tsar'.
A young man has just ascended to the throne, he's making laws left right and centre, but why is everyone so drunk, and are all these floggings really in the spirit of Christmas?
Join us as we give our moral compasses a good Christmas centring. Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, if you're going to survive 2021, you need to hear this.
We'll be back with Book 2 of War and Peace on January 7th.
Thank you for listening, sharing and contributing to the show this season - we've loved every minute of it, and we've loved hearing from everyone that's written and sent stuff in. If you haven't said hello yet - it's not too late, we'd love to hear from you - send us an email or follow us on Instagram.
Have a great break, and we'll see you next year!