Put on your finest Unction hat, Unction gloves and little Unction shoes and get ready to administer... Unction! It's time. Sit back and relax as the Uncle in the bedroom prepares himself for the best damn Unction-ing you've ever seen. If only we were allowed in...
Who gets the inheritance? What’s an Unction? Who’s taller (in hams of course), Tom Cruise or Danny DeVito? Find out the answer to ONE of these questions in this week's episode.
There's an uncle in the bedroom, we all know that, but what the hell has he been doing in there?
What we do know: he's really, really rich and he's really, really ill - and as if that wasn't enough, he has at least one bedroom.
This week, we're not going in the bedroom (why would we!), but boy are we finding out more about the man with the bedroom, the things he has in his bedroom, and what he's been doing in his bedroom.
Don't miss this week's episode as the curious saga of the bedroom man continues.
Put down your personal pineapple, pocket your pipe and rip your velcro trousers right off, because this week Daniel Cooper is in the room and he insists - WE. MUST. DANCE.
Join us as we spin, twist and thrust our way into War and Peace party legend - we've done the small talk, we've swapped the gossip, and now it's time to let our hips do the talking.
Listen this week as we witness the birth of disco, we're partying 70s style - 1870s that is.
Between the endless servings of turtle burgers, whole pineapples and free refill wine you could be forgiven for thinking that everything in the world was amazing and perfect.
Perhaps after dinner we will dance? Perhaps tomorrow there will be another party? Perhaps it will be this way forever? Perhaps.
But behind the totally sweet riffs of the Gravy Boaters, a new tune is starting to play. Under the wicked great banjo solo is the clink of bayonets, through the vibrant buzz of the kazoo is the hiss of the cannon's fuse, and melding with the sick licks of the didgeridoo is the distant drone of death.
With every chunk you tear from your personal pineapple, the sound gets louder - dinner's nearly over, and war is for dessert.
Wow. Just wow. We've died and gone to WAP heaven. Suriah from the US sends in this phenomenally sensational drawing of Count Rostov - round, proud and dripping with sauce, it's the perfect rendition of the perfect man. Thank you Suriah, this is quite possibly the best thing ever made.
Take a look at Suriah's drawing in FULL HD, and see the other brilliant things people have sent in, over at Tolstoy's Hall of Fame.
Legend tells of a powerful and mysterious woman, raised by wild pigs in the Siberian mountains, she has learnt that ice and fire are the inseparable sisters of survival.
The story foretells that she will appear only in the most unusual of circumstances - it must be a glorious name day, there must be an organised dining event the like of which Russia has never seen, and there must be the powerful stench of shame.
It is said she will come and feed on the shame, turning its cold ice into the warm glow of humiliation with just the flick of her forked tongue.
Join us this week, if you dare.
This week we meet the sauciest man in War and Peace, and boy does he like sauce. We're talking béarnaise, we're talking béchamel, we're talking classic gravy - this man has tried them all and has found a place for most of them on his clothes.
Plus we're spending some quality time with WAP's two old and dearest friends. But will their insatiable lust for money bring these best buds closer together, or push them apart - like two halves of a wallet stuffed full of CASH?
Tune in this week to see how this tenuous simile plays out.
If you thought you could kidnap a policeman, tie him to a stolen bear, then push them both in the canal and wonder off without any consequences, think again!
Join us this week as Pierre's dark, bear filled past rears its furry head to cause moderate to severe embarrassment. Can Pierre take the heat, or will his social standing be torn to shreds by the vicious claws of gossip?
Plus - CUE FUNKY CRIME MUSIC - we're casing the joint with two of War and Peace's wiliest slicksters - they're buttering up with one hand, and looking for Cecil's mountain of cash with the other. Will they pull off the con of the century or will they end up in the clink? CUE MONTAGE.
What the hand?! Another hand drawing! Yes! More hands! Han-believable! Lucia (pronounced the Italian way) from the USA sends in this formidable artistic rendering of Pierre's infamous arm-ending appendages. Thank you Lucia! Find out more about this inspiring piece by subscribing to the newsletter and visiting Tolstoy's Hall of Fame.
There's an uncle in the bedroom
A bedroom made of gold
An uncle the most handsome
In all Russia, it's been told
"We'd like to see the uncle please
Before he goes and dies
We've heard he's freakin loaded
And we were passing by"
There's an uncle in the bedroom
In this week's episode
Listen now, and have no fear
The actual show's in prose
This week the generations are at war.
On one side, the mysterious Vera. Handsome as they come, her mouth quite possibly brimming with spiders - and now, terrifying new rumours that she wields dark and unnatural powers.
On the other side, four hopeful children. Innocent as tiny little ducklings, their only weapons are the power of love and some really quite cutting insults they have just invented.
But will their incantations be enough to overpower the ice hearted Vera? Or will the good house Rostóv be consumed with pure spidery evil?
The storm clouds are clearing and the romance rainbow is in the air - get your ❤️ emoji ready because this week WAP is crushin' hard.
We're playing hard to get, we're mixing our messages and we're literally playing hide and seek. Get ready to get smitten, because this week it's a heartstring symphony, and you're all invited.