Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy.
Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves.
The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins. You try to escape but you're stuck!
That's when the first cannon ball flies past your head...
Is this Black Friday or are you at war in the 19th century? Sometimes it can be hard to tell.
Waging a successful military campaign isn't just about shiny buttons, impressive marching formations, and ensuring your troops are incredibly rested and relaxed.
Sometimes you need an extra special something to turn your fighting boys into fighting men... sometimes you need Pies. Yes, pies.
Join us this week as we discover how the humble baked treat could be Russia's secret weapon in the fight against the powerful, but pie-less, Napoleon.
They speak of a man with fish for hands,
a man who's addicted to crime .
Your treasures are safe?
Oh yes! In the safest place!
Well for now then I guess you are fine...
OR ARE YOU?!
The Russian army sure know how to throw a parade - but was spending all that time changing coats and polishing penknives really the brilliant strategic manoeuvre it first seemed?
Join us this week as we turn on the slow motion camera to watch the hobbledehoy slowly move toward the fan, then actually hit the fan, then spread horrible, sticky hobbledehoy absolutely everywhere.
What happens next could be horribledehoy, it could be happydehoy, but one thing's for certain - it's all gone hobbledehoy!
Like your favourite boomerang we are back!
Dust off your WAP-WAPPY-WAP Quote Book, plump up your favourite War and Peace themed pillow, pop on your velvet listening cape and get ready for Book 2 of the greatest novel of all time!
We've had enough parties to make even Miley Cyrus throw in the towel.
It's time for War...
Well, perhaps not quite yet, but we are with some soldiers and they have some really bad booties.
Vigorously boil your eggnog, put a mince pie in EACH hand, and get ready to experience yet another literary classic from Leo Tolstoy.
This week we're digging deep into the Leo library to bring you one of the lesser-known Tolstoy classics - his Christmas fable 'The Young Tsar'.
A young man has just ascended to the throne, he's making laws left right and centre, but why is everyone so drunk, and are all these floggings really in the spirit of Christmas?
Join us as we give our moral compasses a good Christmas centring. Wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, if you're going to survive 2021, you need to hear this.
We'll be back with Book 2 of War and Peace on January 7th.
Thank you for listening, sharing and contributing to the show this season - we've loved every minute of it, and we've loved hearing from everyone that's written and sent stuff in. If you haven't said hello yet - it's not too late, we'd love to hear from you - send us an email or follow us on Instagram.
Have a great break, and we'll see you next year!
You've finished book 1 of War and Peace! Cue rapturous applause. Congratulations! Congratulations! You are amazing! Now what on earth happened?
If you’ve been with us every step of the way on this monumental journey, or you’re simply a War and Peace hitchhiker wanting a quick refresh of Book 1 so you can launch yourself headfirst into Book 2, well grab a pen and some biscuits. It’s quiz time!
We’ve got questions about war, peace, kissing, Smurfs, bears, spiders and of course Uncles! How many points can you get? There’s only one way to find out...
Cue Game Show Music!
Let us know how you do!
0-5 = A real madame de genlis
6-15 = Napoleon's Powder Monkey
16 - 29 = You are so diplomat!
30+ = Daniel Cooper himself
Peel back that pre-diced pineapple pot, fill your vape with turkish vape juice, and pop the McTurtle™ burgers in the microwave, because it's time to celebrate!
Join us this week as we reach an incredible milestone - the end of War and Peace, Book 1. It's an emotional moment for us, and an emotional final chapter - Andy Pandy is off to war, but how will he concentrate with his pregnant wife at home slowly shrinking?
The future is unclear, but one thing is certain: even if it takes 7 years, we're doing this together.
What better way to end this season than with Ace Doing Art's truly haunting depiction of Vera. We don't know if Vera's mouth really is full of spiders (why won't Tolstoy tell us?!?), but if it is then this is surely what it would look like.
Thank you Ace Doing Art for this excellent drawing, and a massive thank you again to everyone else who has sent in their creations this season. Take a look at all of them in Tolstoy's Hall of Fame or send in your own by email or Instagram.
It's dinner time at Nasty Nick's house and there's a politely sneezing architect at the main table... We know you'll find that hard to believe.
"A lowly architect eating his dinner at the MAIN TABLE, WHY WHY WHY?!"
We're just as repulsed and sickened as you are.
Tune in this week to find out who's the biggest powder monkey and what's so special about this awful architect.
Thank you to Cil for sending in this excellent drawing that we're officially calling a "meme" and so also "WAPIN7's first meme". It truly is a glorious and happy day for us all.
But that's not all - make sure to listen to this week's episode to hear the bounty of information that was Cil's message. We're talking sexuality, we're talking red handed Pierre, and most importantly of all, we're talking War and Peace themed electropop musicals.
As ever, Cil's drawing takes its place along with the other timeless works of art in Tolstoy's Hall of Fame. Thanks again Cil!
If you're familiar with British TV from the early 2000s, no doubt at this moment you have a shiver descending down your spine.
As adrenaline floods your body and a scream emerges from your mouth, you'll be remembering Nasty Nick - the Big Brother contestant who was so, so very nasty that they added the word 'Nasty' to his name to show how nasty he was.
"There's never been a nastier man" the world said - or has there?
Join us this week as we discover more about the OG 'Nasty Nick' - Prince Nicholas Andreyevich Bolkonski. He's got impeccable time keeping, rigorous standards and an extremely powdery wig. All undeniably flattering features, so what makes this man so very, very nasty?